She is Loving Him Still
Trying to push the past away
Still waiting for the lights to change
She tries, tries for the sake of their pride, pride
Learning to barely feel the pain
Thicker the skin the less the strain
And though it's really hurting
She ain’t breaking, breaking, breaking
Coz she's loving him still, after all this time
Now he knows his weakness shows
Selfish soul, never changing
That's fine, because she's loving him still
After all this time
(Lyrics from 'After All this Time' - Simon Webbe)
Okay so I guess I should confess right about now that I was a fan of the boy band 'Blue'. But this post isn't about me confessing to all the pop music I love - Backstreet Boys 4 Eva! Okay on a serious note, I'm not into the solo stuff from the ‘Blue’ boys but I've loved this song since the first time I heard it. And the lyrics really challenged a deep seated belief I've always held.
See, I've always thought (rightly or wrongly) that women who stayed with men that cheated on them were either stupid or dumb or both. The song isn't about a guy who cheats, at least not explicitly. It was written about Simon's grandmother and it's about a woman who has been through a lot with her husband. He's selfish and has hurt her time and time again over the years and yet she stays with him. More importantly though, she continues to love him.
I had heard the song a few times before the lyrics sunk in and got me thinking. I have heard so many explanations and justifications for why women stay with cheating men but they had never changed my feelings about the women. In my mind, they just aren't strong enough to change their situation. I have to admit that this song doesn't make me stray from my assertion that the second I know a guy is cheating on me, I'm out the door. But it did make me think that maybe these women aren't weak and stupid like I first thought. After all, the only difference between relationships that last forever and those that don't is that some people refuse to let their marriages fail. Some people take their vows so seriously that they'll fight to keep them till the very end. How can that be weak? These people are strong ... warriors. In the same way, women who know that their husbands are having/have had affairs, and choose to put up with the humiliation, and insecurity, and hurt because they when they said 'till death do us part', they meant it, deserve my admiration not my contempt and pity. Because they're stronger and more unselfish than I'll ever be in this respect.
PS: I think it’s fair to say some people shouldn’t have ever gotten together in the first place and in that case, I think it’s actually more admirable for them to acknowledge the fact and cut their losses.
Another PS: I'm not talking about the women who turn a blind eye to the cheating and pretend it's not happening and will fight anyone who even dares to suggest otherwise because you can’t fight for something if you don’t admit it’s happening in the first place. I'm referring to the women who see their husbands for who they really are, warts and all, and are not afraid to fight for what they believe they deserve in their marriage, but in spite of all this, they have a one track minded belief that marriage is forever.
Yet Another PS: I might contradict myself at times and that’s because I’m not completely clear about my feelings on issue.
What do you all think? This should be interesting because I've heard it expressed by several women that all men cheat and that as long as he's discreet about it and it doesn't happen to often, we should thank our lucky stars and accept it.
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- I have completed exactly 47 Sudoku puzzles in my life - I can eat more chocolate/chocolate covered/chocolate infused products than anybody I know - My biggest ambition is to learn how to surf, and then hopefully the rest of my life will fall into place, allowing me to live by the beach and surf everyday for the rest of my life!
- I have completed exactly 47 Sudoku puzzles in my life - I can eat more chocolate/chocolate covered/chocolate infused products than anybody I know - My biggest ambition is to learn how to surf, and then hopefully the rest of my life will fall into place, allowing me to live by the beach and surf everyday for the rest of my life!
43 comments:
FIRST!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA
Ok going to read it.
well its hard...I for one would ouddi the guy sharp!!Its really not about stayin with someone that doesnt know yor true worth!Cheating on someone is like pissing in their front garden and then knocking on their door to shake their hands!!-its just wrong!!
I love the song to bits too!!since last summer!!I dont like the fact that i like the song tho- I was almost thinking that my mindset of cheating had changed but then i realised when my friend was going through the same thing, i had actually gotten worse- i told her to go and throw eggs and flour at his door step and write a letter to immigration!!
hmmm - interesting post. My views on marriage and cheating ...
See when it comes to marriage - I feel it is the one defining final step. I would never agree to marry someone lightly or get caught up in the moment. Nor will I bow to any sort of pressure for whatever reason - be I be nearing my fifties or be pregnant. Choosing - and it will be my choice - to marry someone would be a momentous step for me and the person I marry has to know and understand that. Once I decide to do this, I will throw myself wholeheartedly and totally into this commitment - no holds barred.
Now as I've said a lot of times, I totally understand having meaningless sex. However there is a point in time just before you do it, where you think about what you're going to do. There is always a point where the knowledge of what you are doing and how wrong it is pops into your head. It is at this point that you have a choice to go ahead or not. This is why I cant tolerate someone coming up with the excuse of "but it didn't mean anything" because despite you being aware it was meaningless, you still chose to do it.
I can understand women who stay when their husbands cheat. Some of them have a lot to lose and no where else to go. Some of them also have a lot to fight for. I cant judge them. I can only hope that if I'm ever in that position, I'm not left without options. If I loved my husband totally and he cheated on me, I'm not sure I could recover from that - and thus I'm not sure I would be able to commit to the marriage any longer, or have anything to give to the marriage. And if I cant ... then what is the point?
Oh Vickii I have so much to say but do't know how to start.
Marriage... Mariiage... Marriage...
I have typed up a long comment and deleted it... I am typing up another one and I have been deleting each sentence.
If I get married and my husband cheats on me, I will almost hate him. There is nothing that he can do that will EVER make me forget about it. NOTHING!
To forgive him will take some serious prayers for me by pastors, I am not joking. I will want him to suffer... so why should I stay with him? It was a mistake? It didn't mean anything?
But you were able to hide it well from me, you were able to finish the whole deed? While you were moaning and groaning, did you think about me?
And then abuse like beating ... that one is on another level, I think it is worse than cheating and I think a woman should leave her husband immediately.
Who am I to talk though? I have never been married so I don't know. I understand there are children, investments (property, etc) and other things to think about.
And I hear women saying that noone will want to marry them again if they get divorced... this is because some people think marriage is the final chapter till the end of one's life.
I pray if I ever decide to marry, I will not have to experience anything like cheating, beating or any form of abuse from my husband.
I don't believe in marriage. Now don't be shocked.
Partners are partners -- within a marriage or out of it. The institution fails when one person has to put up with what he/she wouldn't have put up with if the partners hadn't signed some flimsy court document.
Vows? Till death do us part? Nonsense! I don't see any reason to keep any part of a vow when my partner is breaking it impudently. I might be too logical for my own good, but I think the very thing I'd do is break it off -- immediately.
...And yes, we can still be friends.
Just wanna say that NOT all men cheat. This erroneous mindset should be expurged from ya systems and thrown out, meat and bone.
UGO: I'm sorry but ALL MEN CHEAT! The ones who claim they never have are simply yet to do it...or are too ugly.
For me, the story changes if my kids are involved. if i had kids btw age 3-18 and my hubby cheated, we would have to play happy couple for the sake of the thier sanity. The truth'll come out when they're old enough.
putting kids aside, tell me what educated, independent young woman in this day and age would stay with a cheating man. Women of our generation are fiercely empowered; I really think cheating men have a hard time ahead of them.
I will BIN any man who cheated on me with IMMEDIATE effect. End of!
Yellow Ibo Girl
And the diatribe achieves what?
If all men cheat, then don't bother looking for a 'good' man.
azuka thanks for putting yellow ibo girl in her place, esp considering the 'rubbish' she's written. How do you contradict yourself so? eh? you ask wot educated independent woman will stay with a cheating man? and you feel if kids are involved the cheating man should remain? wot educated intelligent, independent woman will stay in an unhappy marriage just for the kids? esp. when her misery will be all she can pass down to her kids. Most women can give their kids alot more than a 'false stable' life steeped in immeasurable sadness all in the name of maintaining the status quo.
I believe i can forgive a cheating husband - i might not stay with him but forgive i will. The pain of infidelity is sometimes worse than death. For those on the receiving end, it is the beginning of a slow death. I think if the man shows no remorse or is a serial cheat; one should get up and leave as you'll feel somewhat liberiated albeit sad.
I am not going to be naive to think that my partner might not stray however, that will not be in the fore of my thoughts when i take my vows as i will understand that flesh is weak and i just as much as him will be prone to such temptations that the weakened flesh desires.
Its posts like this that tap into the unromantic side of me and i look at the unmarried relationships like Oprah & Stedman and think there might be some merit to it.
By the way, i adore boy banks and love Backstreet Boys soooo much...
This has inspired a post...
You guys, no one needs to be 'put in their place' on my blog and as long as an opinion is expressed in a civil manner, it isn't 'rubbish'. Please feel free to disagree, and even expain why but do it in a way that doesn't offend or undermine anyone else opinion.
Thanks.
I'm a woman. I know men who don't cheat. A lot do. but it's not right to say all do. I have a lot of thoughts on this issue but I feel it will take up too much space. Thanks Vickii
Hmmm... this is one hot button issue. Thanks for discussing it Vickii. I believe everyone should know their own limits and capacities and deal with themselves and their relationships accordingly. Shikena. I cant judge a woman who chooses to stick out her marriage to a cheating man. It's her life and it's her choice and I've never walked in her shoes (and I pray not to). For me, sha, it's a total NO-NO and I will make that clear form the get-go.
IT's like this. The whole cheating thing is WRONG!!! It happen to me several times in our marriage and it hurts like CRAZY! Yes, the humilation, insecurity, low confidence, and so much more comes with that like STD's, okayyyy. Well, I'm not in the marriage anymore and I've never been happier. I left because of the cheating, lies, and double lifestyle. My health and over all well being is much stronger and healthier then when I was with him.
People would say, "ohhh, stay for the sake of the children." I'm thinking, how much more abuse do I have to put up with and what are my children seeing? Not cool, I did try the "keep it together for the sake of the children" but you know your mental health, etc.. are more important. How could my children enjoy me when I'm crying all the time or snapping at them. They see mommy hurt and it hurts them, but they act out differently, you know school, etc...So as you see that's a topic that I lived and will no longer live again. Do I have any regrets? NO,NO, and NO. If anything I wish I left sooner. 10yrs of marriage, yup, that's what it was.
Hey. I actually agree with everything you say till the last paragraph. I know you are not condonng women who say as long as he's not doing it often they should thank their lucky stars but what sort of a messed-up life is that???thank your lucky stars???i am just pointing out that women who say that need to get a grip on their lives
anyway i felt exactly the same way when i heard the song...its basically defining what true love is....committment.
@ London Buki
I agree with this "Who am I to talk though? I have never been married so I don't know. I understand there are children, investments (property, etc) and other things to think about" Its so true.
I'm a man so I guess I may not be answering for a woman but......
All men cheat? That's a very narrow view of the world. I disagree
yeah i used to feel the same way about women that stay with their cheating partners but i realised that some people want it to work so badly that they continue with the hope that things willl work out at the end
i loved blue as well... wasn't happy when they broke up & love the lyrics to the song. Matter of fact, dnt think i've ever heard any of simon's songs before. I've heards loads of Duncan's & Lee's tho. Where have i been??
@ ugo i have to say i'm sorry but all mean are cheaters! big time!
Forgive him? Hard!
Interesting topic. I van only speak for myself on the matter and I came to the conclusion that If I were cheated on I would have to leave.
Even if I wanted to stay the resentment I would feel would be such that it would be impossible for me to stay without throwing it back at him everytime I feel insecure (and after infidelity that would be all the time) and making both our lives a living hell.
Not even for my Children because I believe that raising them in a household full of discord would be more detrimental to their development than raising them in a peaceful environment by myself.
Fortunately I would have the option of raising them by myself.
If indeed all men cheat, as some state, then my relationship(s) is/are doomed to last until that piont where I discover the infidelity. When this happens I will be yelling next and moving on.
I don't think i could ever stay with a man who cheats on me. Its just betrayal and against everything i stand for. Lie you said vicki, i truly admire those who can put up with it and love the man still and it shows inner strength. Its quite a tricky issue and i there is no right or wrong when it comes to making a decision to stay with a man who cheats i guess it all depends on your values and the situation you find yourself in.
Sorry, Vickii, I didn't know if Yellow Ibo Girl was being satirical or serious so my reply was a bit ambiguous.
My point is that if ALL men cheat, every woman who says that should accept cheating because it's natural, or avoid men altogether. I don't know if that sounds very logical to you but it does to me.
Sweeping generalizations don't achieve anything.
ok now this is a right im face issue, some1 veeeeery close to me got divorced recently so i get the whole gist. mehn it was hard for her(that person ,wont say who though), the man was a bloody waste of time but she still loved him so she held on for a while.
Nobody taught her b4 she left o, the drama got too much and the man still didnt change, despite family interfering eventually she made up her mind.............she had to leave and 4get the vows mehn.
Now she's happier though she wishes it all worked out but too bad, shit happens shey? i wish it worked too cos they seemed rily gud 2gether.
ok, sory 4 taking so much space but basically if the guy wont comply, i'd rather be happy than be unhappy with him by taking the EXIT route, lol. simple.
Nice post , vicki!
The answer lies in one of your previous blogs love,
Men are from Mars and Women from Venus.
Not all men cheat, I feel it's very insecure men that feel they need to vindicate their perceived hotness/coolness/attractiveness by cheating, gives em that false feeling of demi godlikeness me thinks.
Now you women I pile some of the blaim on, most of you know what you are getting when you say either "I do" or "I will be your GF" but you choose to live with your heads in the cloud when most times the writing is on the wall. As I always say, a man does cheat once and you find out(by the way what about all the other times you never caught him?) he spins a yarn, you take him back like the dummy one is, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN, this time just less discreet so you never know.
As I said, Men are from Mars and women from that other far place :)
Marriage is forever, but then, how long is forever?
Suby
P.s
hmmm cuzzz, still surprised, you less of an enigma to me now :D
And there I was thinking blogging would allow me to express my opinions without getting my head bitten off. Sigh.....nothing changes
MI: if you believe you can forgive a cheating husband or boyfriend then I truly wish i had your patience and compassion. Theres no need to jump down my throat if we wont do the same thing in a similar situation. I'm not an expert; just expressing the way i see things.
Sorry Vickii
Oh and I gave up looking for a good man a long time ago azuka.
Now all I do is fantasize. :-)
@ Yellow Ibo girl: I believe truly good men exist, I'm married to one of them! True they may be in the minority but they do exist. We tend to speak from experience. I think that we shouldn't make sweeping generalisations based on our own past bitter experiences.
That good man is out there, you just have to keep looking for him ;-)
wait oh, im sure i posted summin up, wateva happened 2 it....
ill rethink wat i wrote and put it up again..ohhhhhhh im pained cos it came straight form my heart
We all have different tolerance levels for things. Relationships are no different. Sometimes socialisation imposes value systems and attitudes on us. Others may just have different perspectives.
I dont believe infidelity is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship or marriage. The reasons for it may differ. There are the dogs who will lie down anywhere and then roll around in their muck. But you also have people who have become truly unhappy in their relationships and just choose the wrong outlet or resolution.
The partner who is cheated on may not even know that they have lost the connection in the relationship. If infidelity, as heinous as it may seem, can get true love back on track, where's the harm?
Personally, I'd prefer the woman cheats than plots to kill or ruin me, and claims domestic violence or something.
Hot topic huh? I was going to comment, but then I thought I'll put up a post.
Everybody reacts differently. I am lucky. Am a young professional with CHOICES. So I will not tolerate a cheating/unfaithful boyfriend, fiancé or husband.
Then again I did stints in the psychiatric dept and I made a promise to myself that no one would drive me to a breakdown. I need my sanity. I guess am weak.
The women who stay in these relationships are indeed strong and kudos to them.
As much as I'd like to say that I'll murder the man who decides to cheat on me and leave him while clearing out his accounts and changing the locks, I know its not true. I think far too often people give up easily... I don't think one indiscretion by him is big enough to tear apart what we both decided to build together.
I would hope that i'd sing a different tune if he's a chronic whore, decision or no decision, my mama no born me make I come catch AIDs oh.
Its sha a tough call, you won't know what to do until u yourself are in that situation, so I guess thats why all married women I know are serious prayer warriors
lol...how many post scripts can you hav Vickii?this is one of those questions that can neva be answered...lyk why cant guys and gurls ever be purely best friends? ;-) i personally know that if sumone cheats on me,i'll leave...i'll rather be "single and happy" than be "married/involved and broken"...nice one babes!
About 2 or 3 yrs ago, if anyone asks me if I would stay with a cheating husband, I'll start cursing the husband (not minding the fact that he doesn't really exist yet) and I will start cursing the person who asked me the question. In my opinion, it's unthinkable for anyone to even suggest to me or imply that I should consider staying with a cheat.
But that was then. As I'm continuing to grow in the Knowledge of God, I'm begining to see things from a slightly different perspective....and I'not trying to sound like "holier than thou" kind of Christian (trust me I'm not). It's just that I've learnt that marriage is not just a relationship between a man and a woman. It's also about God. You are not only responsible to your sponse, you also have a responsiblity to God. As I'm learning daily, the fear of God is truly the begining of wisdom, and when you fear HIM, you look at everything from a slightly different perspective.
If my husband cheated on me (God forbid)it'll hurt A LOT. I'll cry, I'll feel like killing him, I'll probably threaten to kill the girl/woman he cheated with, I'll hate him (at least for a period of time), I won't want to see him, I may not talk to him for days/weeks, if we have kids we'll probably be civil to each other for thier sake, but through all that I'll take the case before GOD. I'll pray a really honest prayer and just wait for HIS leading and healing.
God has a way of dealing with all these issues (I have no words to describe it), and at the end of it all you'll not even understand what really happpend.
I think good men still exist,but being good is not enough. I beleive there are men who have completely given their lives to God, and who really fear him...those ones even when they mess up always find their ways back. They realize that their marriage is even bigger than them, and they humble themselves to recieve the disicpline of God. Those are the ones that a worth fighting for, those are the ones that are worth praying for, those are the ones that we should be saying yes to in the first place.
VICKII
WHATS HAPPENING?
DON'T MIND ME AM JUST GETTING MY RAZZ ON
Cani satywit a cheating husbacnd?hmmn!thats a tough one o...well if he did it once ni can forgive him..if cheating now becomes the order of the day then i'll have to up n leave that marriage..abeg i cannot be unhappy becos of one man..and pls these are the dayz of HIV..
We all have a choice, and this is coming from someone who was cheated on before. I learned the hard way to never place any man above myself and God. I chose to stay unfortunately and that was the beginning of the end. When trust is gone in any form of relationship or friendship, there is nothing really left.
Never again...
Great post. I'm pretty sure there's no straight forward answer to this; it's almost always complicated isn't it? Often depends on the circumstances around it....
lol @ yellow ibo girl...chill now, not all men cheat. Real men hold it down for their women! Well done Vickii...
Ummm... I'd REALLY REALLY, I mean REALLY REALLY apreciate it if you updated!!!!!!! Like... NOW!
Oh yeah, have a beautiful week x
Hmmmm...i've been MIA and so many things had happened.
Well, for someone to say or think erroneaously or otherwise that all men cheat depicts a clouded and deranged judgemental attrition.
Its just like saying all gals are gold-diggers. In as much as there are some iota(s) of truth innit, that shouldn't make some peeps be ABSOLUTELY certain that such happens.
Relativity has to come in here in order to balance the pendulum.
Like i said eearlier, the innacurate mindset that 'All Men Cheat' is completely fallacious, illogical and untenable. I would advise peeps sayn such to rather look inwards instead of generalizing.
My 2cents though!
What if women cheat ??? noone even suggested that ?
I beleive that each case is different
I loved my girl the day we first met, and its been like a very very veeerryyyy long while a decade I guess.... and guess what I still love my baby doll as I did before nothing changed at all...
I still see pretty faces down the street and admire them, but my love is only for my girl. thats it... I dont need a reason to love my baby.
and I dont really think hard about it, I love her and she give me all the love in response.. we fight, we go naughty we spend a lot time with our kids what else one man wants ?
I think cheeating guys are selfish in some manner I dont know, but cheating is unacceptable from both sides...
I love her still after all this time :)
-Wackner
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