Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I really doubt that I'll post in the next three weeks but instead, I'll try and have loads of fun so that I can have stories galore to entertain you with in the new year. Oh and just because I'm not posting doesn't mean I won't be reading, so no slacking off the rest of you!!!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Monday 11 December 2006 - Random thoughts...

The Countdown: 2 weeks and 2 days until I go to Lagos … I can’t wait!!!

Winters for Two: Is it me or does winter seemed to have been designed specifically with couples in mind? It's freezing cold, it's always raining and it gets dark ridiculously early and all of these factors conspire to keep you indoors from November until March. Five long months which are only really fun if you're part of a twosome. You see, for couples, winters are actually lots of fun ... staying in, talking, playing games, reading, chilling in general is much more fun if you have somebody to do it with. Plus if you do decide to venture out and see the Christmas lights or go ice skating, then guess what? More fun with someone else! In the summer, I have a fuller schedule than I have hours in the day and I'm always grateful for any time I get to myself. And if I find myself alone and with nothing to do, there are a myriad of parks awaiting my presence in some shorts and armed with magazines, books and food. Now I am very happy being single but if there is ever a time of year where I get a bit of twinge about how great it would be to have someone, it's in winter!

My Chauvinist Brother: I had the funniest conversation with my brother who is a tongue in cheek chauvinist pig. At least I hope it's tongue in cheek! I'm a huge feminist so I suspect he sometimes says things just to wind me up. I was telling him how much I love Beyonce's 'Irreplaceable' (which I love by the way) and the conversation went something like this. You have to imagine how dead pan he delivers his lines and how worked up I was getting with every word he was saying.

Me: I love Irreplaceable! I have no idea why because I'm not a bit fan of her solo stuff but I really love that song!
Him: I don't. It gives women ideas, makes them forget their place. Men are never replaceable, only women are.
Me (my voice seething with sarcasm): Let me guess, 'cater to you' is more your kind of song.
Him: Thank you! Now that's a song. Women everywhere should employ that as their anthem!
Me: I hate that song with a passion, please; you couldn't pay me to sing those lyrics!
Him: Nope, it was only after they sang that song that I started to really respect DC. I really don't approve of all that 'Independent woman', 'I'm a Survivor' crap they were singing before then.
And Cassie is hot, but she it's her song that cinched the deal for me. He starts singing, '…I know what to do, if only you would let me, as long as you're cool, you know I'd treat you right...’ Oh and don't even get me started on Rihanna, like a woman would ever be unfaithful to a man...

Good bye to Noni Moss: Aww, isn't it sad when bloggers leave the blog world? Unfortunately, she is a friend of mine so I'm kinda stuck with her but I'm sure the rest of you guys will really miss her!

It's pretty old by now but I still stop everything I'm doing and listen whenever James Morrison's 'You give me something' comes on the radio. Do yourselves a favour and listen to it!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

My Biggest Shame

I realise I might be ever so slightly flawed. Okay, maybe a bit more than slightly ... fine, fine, I admit it, I'm very flawed. But for the most part I'm very aware of my flaws so I don't need anybody to tell me that I'm stubborn, passive aggressive, or that I can be argumentative and harsh (though I'm not sure if that's a flaw since I'm a big believer in judging people by the same standards that I set myself). But that's besides the point, the point is I sometimes struggle to admit that I am wrong, and I would rather ignore a problem with someone than confront it, that I can isolate myself from the people that I really should let in. I'm pretty sure you get it, wrapped up in this pretty package is a whole lot of unpretty. But I get it too, I'm painfully aware of all of my bad habits and characteristics, which is why I hang on to this memory; this memory of a time where I became a person I should have been better than, when I acquired a whole new set of flaws I would never ever have attributed to myself. Here's the story.

On my first day at university, I made lots of friend but three in particular became my close friends; they were Becky, Alice and Marya. We lived on the same floor of the residence building and made plans after three months to share a house together in our second year. Ironically, we all became friends out of a mutual admiration for Becky who was so funny and outgoing at a time when most of us were still pretty shy. Becky met a guy on her first day at university and pretty soon they became inseparable and soon she started making excuses about why she couldn't come out with us, or she would pretend she wasn't feeling well so as to cancel our plans. After a while we started bonding really well without Becky and actually started getting really frustrated with her. She on the other hand started hanging out with her boyfriend's friends who really didn't like us. Needless to say, we were really weren't the best of friends by the end of the first year but seeing as we had a house with all our names on the lease, we had to live together, and things got really bad.

I'm not trying to justify my behaviour because it really isn't justifiable but I'd like to explain how things became the way they did. Becky had some little annoying habits such as talking through films, TV programmes etc, her boyfriend practically moved in and they'd drink all the milk but she would never ever buy any, or anything else for that matter, she would make annoying comments (like comment on how much one of us was eating even though she knew we were conscious about our weight), though now I realise that she probably didn't mean it maliciously. It was little things but as none of us was the confrontational sort, we'd talk about it to each other instead of talking to her directly. Or we'd set up these elaborate scenes where one of us would come into the lounge and say something like 'You guys, I'm sick and tired of always buying milk, can one of you please do it?' and the other two would recount when last they had bought milk all in the hope that Becky would pipe up and say, 'actually, it's my turn. I haven't bought any in a while'. I know, I know, one of us really should have sat her down and said, 'Becky it's your turn to buy milk, can you please start pulling your weight and take on your share of responsibilities?’ It started off with us getting annoyed about valid things, but the more annoyed we got and the more we'd talk about it within ourselves, the more petty we became. Because Marya, Alice and I were so close, we'd often hang out in each other's rooms and when Becky would come to spend time with us (usually using an excuse like offering us tea or wanting to borrow a book because we must have made her feel so unwelcome) we'd leave one by one until Becky would leave too and then within half an hour we'd be assembled in a different room again. She must have sensed the tension because the worst we became, the nicer she was and the more of an effort she would make.

I often felt bad but most of the time, I was too annoyed to really care.

In my third year, I moved to Canada for my first semester and I heard things in the house were even more strained. However, with the distance, I started to realise how mean we were being and how much I would have hated it if I were in Becky's shoes. And then Alice's ex-boyfriend told her that Becky had told him that she would hear us talk about her and she really hated living with us and it really hit home just how horrible we were. Because we never confronted her, we never let her know what our issues with her were thereby not giving her a chance to do anything about it. We basically never even gave her a chance. I can't even begin to explain how ashamed of myself I felt then (and even now, whenever I think about it) and I resolved to stop. And I did, in my last two semesters, I stopped bitching about her (even though I did let her know what I thought every now and then) and we even became closer. I became more patient with her and actually started seeing the good in her again instead of focusing on her flaws.

I'm blogging about it and I force myself to think about it every once in a while just so I remember what kind of a person I'm capable of being if I'm not careful. Like I said, I know my flaws but I never would have thought I was capable of being a cold, intolerant bitch and that's exactly what I was.

Friday, December 01, 2006

If I don't tell you enough how I feel about you
It is because I assume that you already know
Now that you're going away
I’m through with assuming, I want to tell you exactly how I feel

I'm happier when I'm with you
I'm always laughing when you're around
Everything makes me smile when I see you smile. You make me smile
I love the fact that I can spend hours in your presence and not feel the need to say anything
I love that I can rant for ages and yet you make me feel like every word I utter is just as valid as the first

I love the ways in which you constantly challenge me.
I respect you
I value your opinions
I demand from myself the same high standards that you continuously demonstrate in everything you do
I admire you
I believe in you

I love your hair and your eyes and your perfect lips
I love everything about you
I even love you when you're grumpy in the morning or moan at me for forgetting to do something

I'm pretty sure I could live without you, but I sure as hell have no inclination to try