I grew up in Nigeria and like everybody else we always had house girls. As children, we had two most of time because my parents both worked and there are three of us. We had our share of house girls who stole from us, house girls who were lazy and didn't do what they were hired to do and house girls who beat us unnecessarily. We also had three amazing house girls who all stayed with us for a long time and became part of the family; Rose, Asabe (our absolute favourite) and Rifikatu. Throughout my childhood though, I can't remember thinking there was anything odd about having house girls. Or drivers, or gardners, or night watch men.
I went back to Nigeria last year for the first time since I'd left 9 years ago and all of a sudden I was filled with an overwhelming sense of something resembling guilt. But isn't guilt only applicable when you've done something wrong? My aunt and uncle’s cook would cook for us, bring our food to the table and come and clear up after us. Not only are my sister and I not used to people doing things for us, but I guess we're pretty domesticated so when we'd finish eating, we'd clear the table, take the plates to the kitchen and attempt to start washing them, only for Mr. Roman to protest and refuse our help. Whenever I needed the driver to pick up something for me or drop me off somewhere, I'd ask nicely probably to give myself the illusion that I was asking as an equal rather than as someone he had to obey. One of my aunts treated her house girl really badly and it really, really bothered me. I also found myself making an effort to use the staff’s names rather than their titles when talking about them to other people. After a few days of feeling like this I tried to analyse my thoughts and I realised the reason why all of this bothered me is because the only difference between me and a house girl, or a driver is that I was born to parents who were - quite simply - richer.
I realised that it's not just the fact that I'm not comfortable with someone doing things for me (though it is partly this but that's an issue for a whole different post), it's the fact that the people who occupy these positions in Nigeria do not have a choice. They never had a chance. In the developed world, if someone is a maid, there are laws that dictate you have to pay them a minimum wage. But more than that, they have a choice. For the most part, there are other career paths they could have chosen. Take the UK for example, education up until university is free, and even in University, if your parents earn below a certain amount of money, then the university fees are waived and you receive a larger loan and often a grant to help you with your living expenses while you get an education. You have a choice about your future. I truly believe that in the West, anybody can become anything they want. I'm not saying it's easy but it's very possible, it's just a matter of how much you want it.
In Nigeria on the other hand, if you are born in some remote village where the nearest school is 10 km away and you're the only boy in your family so your father needs your help on the farm, then no matter how brilliant you are, you will never get an education and never learn about the world beyond your immediate surroundings. And this isn't just an obscure example. In Nigeria, the majority of the population will never achieve anything near what they’re capable of. Any potential you might possess is snuffed out the moment you're born on the wrong side of the gold paved tracks. And it is damn near impossible to work your way out of your social class in Nigeria, and in the rare occasions that it happens, it's usually out of stroke of luck rather than ambition, determination or hard work. Because those things that mean so much in the developed world, (ambition, determination, hard work) aren't worth a kobo in Nigeria, unless you have money.
So I figure that's why I feel guilty when I'm in Nigeria; because any of those house girls or drivers could have been me, and I them ... I'm only where I am because I got lucky in the parent lottery.
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27 comments:
Well written post, you couldn't have said it any better!
It really is sad...
And I realise how lucky I am. That I had the opportunity to go to school, go to Uni and have dreams of making it in life, knowing it's achievable.
This is a good post BUT I feel bad... :-(
nice blog! let me tell you what i always tell people when they start feeling guilt about the househelp. One, it's not a "nigerian" concept by and large, it's an international concept. We wouldn't have it if the british didn't come here and instigate that whole system. Then, we have to think, am i feeling bad because the "server" and the "served" are of the same race? that usually has to do with it. Like if a white family had a latina maid, it doesn't seem odd, but if a latina family had a latina maid, then it looks a bit odd to everyone. Then lastly, (lol), at least they are earning an income and being part of the economy. If they weren't doing this.........realistically, what would they be doing?!?! Remember the kind of country we have where millions line up for ONE bank teller job?!?!.........
OMG, I went back to nigeria after 8 years this Xmas and I can totally relate to what you are saying. I felt sooo guilty asking anyone to do anything. I kept thinking "OMG, this driver is someone's dad and he's working to care for his family and how much could he possibly be making". Its crazy how living in North America made me have this sense of guilt about things that I thought were totally ok when I live in Nigeria.
At the end of my stay, I gave so many clothes to the maid and you should have seen how happy she was. Crazy.
I feel very lucky for the life I have now and this is based on being in Nigeria for 2 weeks.
Good post. :)
I can relate to [parts of] your story. My parents could afford helps and cooks but they never hired anyone.
I complained once to my mom that my friends had housegirls and others and got a good dressing down. I guess my parents were a little too extreme -- making us kneel and use a grinding stone instead of a blender, handwash our clothes when we could very well afford a washing machine and take turns doing the dishes. I guess it served a purpose because I find myself able to live under extreme conditions without complaining.
I've seen examples of cruelty towards maids and househelps who're in reality nieces and nephews and I've always felt guilty because of my inability to intervene.
yup we should definately be grateful for the opportunity we have living abroad or coming from a well off family in Nigeria.
I try to treat domestic help and waiters, drivers etc as nicely as i can when i got out in Nigeria.
Visiting Nigeria is definately a reality check.
Yes i agree completely. We should be grateful. We could easily have been born as a farmer's daughter. Its only through God's mercy
Deep. Very deep. I grew up the same way but I've always had this thing about the down trodden. I knew some of the maids found the name 'house-girl' derogatory etc. My parents were of the opinion that every one who went through their home would get an education. They failed dismally primarily because some of them were quite lazy and for others, stepping out of the village meant they had already 'made' it, especially the girls coz they got better marriage proposals. One of the guys is an accountant today with a family of his own; another girl went on to read law. I needed help after I had my first born and I blogged about my 'cousin' who came to help. She's an undergraduate today partly because I told myself as a little girl I'd do everything in my power not to waste money by making a show of getting my help to school but support and make sure they get an education.
Part of the problem with the way people treat their maids in naija is because they never see their behaviour through other people's eyes.
And another thing, once you've grown up depending on other people to wait on you, it's difficult to wean yourself of it.
But there's a bright side to house-helps, they allow a lot of women the time to be able to pursue a life of their own without neglecting the home front. The key I believe is better wages/conditions and sector regulation to prevent exploitation. I'd give my arm to be able to afford the kind of support I know I need, here in England.
nice post that got me really thinking.As a child, never felt anything or thought nothing of the househelp situation but as you grow, you start seeing things from a different perspective.You are simply right by pointing out no difference btw u and the maid apart from being lucky in the parent lottery.
true say,true say...got me thinkn and feeling bad for not attempting to get in touch with any of the house helps i lyked when they left,as i promised...oh God.
Hmm. Very well written but i am not sure i agree with all of it. This is going to sound harsh but the world was created to have shepherds and sheep. In my family, we have helpers not maids per say partly because, the need for maids isnt there. But the experiences we have had make me believe that some people just dont want to rise above their situations. Maids sent to school but return pregnant. Maids you want to help and give money and clothes but steal from you....the horror stories are so many.
Treat the people that work for you with respect. Afterall, all of us employees are servants too.
M just rambling but your post made me think....
Cant believe I'm just seeing this. Soo many blogs, soo little time...
Interesting post though I must say I dont/haven't felt any guilt about having helps/drivers/cooks in Nigeria. Maybe I'm classist (shrug). I like that my family is wealthy enough to afford to have helps etc. I dont take them for granted or get them to do menial tasks like wash my underwear (I know people that do - true story). When I do go overboard sometimes, like making the driver stay over a couple of nights because I need to go out at night, I always compensate them for it. I'm also not rude and dont talk to them anyhow as I respect their age.
The only times I perhaps feel bad is when I realise how much they get paid. What we sometimes spend on a night out is more than they earn in a month to feed their families and live their lives (and they are actually reasonably well-paid compared to their peers). But all of that is down to the economy, cost of living and society we live in.
I'm lucky in that I can afford to have domestic staff but also lucky enough that I was brought up to be able to do without them.
I hear what you're saying Vickii and I can see your point of view... but I wouldn't really know cos I never lived really lived that life... I've had those househelps sometimes... and sometimes I've been the househelp... or at least treated like one... I was gonna talk more about that but I'm strangely pissed off cos I hate some of the memories this post dredged up(no fault of yours of course... cos you write beautifully and have raised valid points... but it just pisses me off now cos my father had the means to hire certain maids at certain times... but he was too busy trying to sleep with everybody and didn't mind him and his wife turning me into their househelp because I was a female and probably not going to amount to much anyways... )absolute bullshit!
you're definitely right, the first time i returned to Nigeria a few years ago after a long time, i felt the same way at first, but then i realize that it really does depend on how the family treats the house girls or driver or etc... when i went and i stayed with my aunt and uncle, they treated their house girls well... brought then clothe and naive and so... and in some sense they are better off because they have a shelter and are taken care of.... but then I totally understand where u're coming from...
it could easier be any of us, if we hadn't have been lucky in the parent lottery, and for that i am thankful but at the same time its also that thought that make me treat everyone with respect, even the house girl that no one else may respect...
~DD
well written post, its luck o as in seriously, we just need to thank God and be nice to ppl that r less foryunate than us
this was another great piece of writing. i agree with you, and i have become very sensitive to the people who work around me, be they drivers, guards etc. i realise that our roles could very easily have been reversed, if i had been born in different circumstances.
i try my best to show humility, and to respect their dignity as human beings, because all they are doing in the end, is providing a very important service that makes my own life easier. for that, they deserve to be treated (and compensated) as well as possible.
it is a sobering thought, and an experience that helps keep me grounded. and thankful to God Almighty
I find it derogatory to categorize one’s personal employees as drivers/housemaid/house help/houseboy/gardeners with the attendant negative stereotypes! To say that “…I got lucky in the parent lottery” only reinforced a discriminatory mindset and a bourgeois exploitative mentality of the working class. We are all deserving of humane treating at our work places irrespective of this shameful classification of domestic jobs that has become the norm in Nigeria. Until we start treating our domestic help with dignity and without prejudice, we will never make in-roads into righting this wrong of human slave labor!
OYA UPDATE KIA KIA
I now appreciate them now definitely. Even though granted in soceity there r always going 2 b the less priviledged, n I thank God I wasnt in that pool. I have learned to say please and thanks everytime now, something I wasnt even conscious of when I actually lived in Naija. I peak a fight with my mum sometimes when she gets on their case, lol
How very profound! I feel the exact same way! I was in Nigeria last December as well, and realized that as much as I argue and campaign against the class divide in Nigeria, in many ways I'm very much a part of it. We've always had hired help, and even though I'm always polite to them, i couldn't imagine living in Nigeria without a driver, houseboy or washman! Doesn't this mean that in many ways, we're like the hypocritical "nice" slaveowners who 'allowed' their slaves a little bit of dignity? Things to think about. Well done, great piece! By the way, i saw you in Nigeria, at News Cafe. Ur a friend of a friend of a friend. lol!!
@ Anonymous: thanks for dropping by and thanks for your comments. I'm trying to figure out if I know you too ... send me an email, vickii373@aol.com and tell me who your friend's friend is!
Hi Vickii
Nice write up
Thought it was just me who felt this guilt when I first went home 4 years ago. I could not deal with it.
It reminded me of the slave days and the suffering etc. I can not begin to imagine that as a child this did not bother me.
I tried to be kind and treated all the help fairly. The last week, I refused to have my clothes washed and loaded them dirty in my suitcase.
Haha, actually you're just a friend of a friend! Her name is Fisola.
So you're one of Fisola's friends? Did we meet? I'm curious now!
Haha....yeah we did, I think..I'm actually in a some of the pics...I'm pretty sure u got all of them sent to u on ofoto as well..
lol I did get the pics ... is this her younger sister D?
lol nah...I'm D's friend...and I'm a guy..
Check out my blog vickii....i'm the same anonymous above...
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